“The greatest thing in all education, is to make our nervous system our ally as opposed to our enemy” – William James (Dana, 2018, p. 3).
Previous articles have explored how trauma affects a child’s developing brain and nervous system. This knowledge from neuroscience provides the ‘mental scaffolding’ to understand the importance of safe relationships and the building blocks to achieve this. Building safe relationships starts by asking such questions as:
- “What does it mean to feel safe?”; and,
- “How is my mind and body affected when I feel unsafe?”
Exploring these answers puts the focus firmly on our body’s nervous system where we carry feelings of safety and/or stress and allows us to develop awareness of how our own nervous system has been shaped by foundational relationships in our childhood, which affects our learning about what is safe. With this awareness, it is important to know how to regulate and reshape our own nervous system to create a state of personal calm, build emotional resilience, establish personal boundaries, and develop effective communication skills within relationships. These skills are the basis of creating safe relationships for our ourselves, for children at home and/or clients in counseling. This knowledge is also vital for adults living in constant danger in relationships, where it is even more important to recognise your own childhood experience of how your nervous system responded to danger which may be hindering you seeking help and/or building safe relationships today.
Safety, Attachment and Well-being
Feeling safe is a human need that preconditions all aspects of growth and development (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs). From infancy, secure attachment and connectedness to other human beings create the safety that allows us to be curious and open to engage with the world (Dana, 2018, p. 44). The first few years of life are particularly sensitive years for developing the neural networks dedicated to feelings of safety and danger. These early safe relationships are essential for building future secure attachment relationships and building a core sense of self: “Both the brain and the self are built in a stepwise manner by experience” (Cozolino, 2010, pp. 72, 31). Secure attachment activates the ventral vagal pathway of the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and our body functions optimally within this social engagement system: “When the ventral vagal is active, our attention is toward connection … we have access to a range of responses including calm, happy, meditative, engaged, attentive, active, interested, excited, passionate, alert, ready, relaxed, savoring, and joyful” (Dana, 2018, p. 26). This state promotes compassionate connection, our heart rate is slowed, our eyes are softened, there is kindness in our voice, and it moves us to reach out to others. Additionally, this state brings health benefits to our bodies as it reduces our sympathetic stress response and enhances immune functioning. Ventral vagal activity is good for our development, for our everyday functioning and good for our communities (p. 27).
Different attachment styles were first identified in the 1940s by John Bowlby. These attachment styles are broadly described as “secure” or “insecure” which covers avoidant, ambivalent/anxious, and disorganized attachment. These attachment styles are stored within our social/ emotional brain and become our primary “attachment model” for all future relationships. Attachment styles can be different with each caregiver, reflecting the child’s relationship experience with each, and will show up within adult relationship dynamics. Attachment styles have potential to change over the life span; this happens within safe and supportive relationships that allow opportunities to reflect on childhood experiences, a deeper self-understanding, healing of past wounds, and intentionally developing new ways of relating. Siegel &Hartzell (2014) described studies that show individuals moving from insecure childhood attachment to “earned security” status through healing relationships:
Relationships, both personal and therapeutic, appear to be able to help an individual develop from insecure to more secure functioning … Such growth is carried out through relationships that help an individual to heal old wounds and transform defensive approaches to intimacy (p. 135).
How to recognize the state of your own Nervous System
Recognizing the impact of your childhood experiences is the important first step to recognize how your childhood attachment styles might shape your present relationships and your nervous system. We do this by noticing daily movements on the “ladder” of nervous system responses within present relationships; noticing movements down the ladder – that is when we are on ‘alert’, agitated, anxious, stressed, frustrated, angry, defensive, threatened, triggered in response to others or to our environment. This is our body going into emergency or stress mode, which activates our fight/flight/freeze response. It is a response felt in our body with varying degrees of bodily reaction including, tense muscles, racing heartbeat, shallow breathing, butterflies in the stomach, cold hands, and clammy skin, all of which heighten our alertness to our surroundings or to others, and it is our nervous system telling us we don’t feel safe. Additionally, when our body is on high alert (in fight/flight mode), we have trouble with language, logic, and memory (the learning parts of our brain), and our hearing is tuned away from the human voice towards sounds of danger, which also affects our ability to read facial cues or other social interactions eg. neutral faces appear angry, and words or gestures are more easily misinterpreted to be hostile (Dana, 2018, p. 25).
Being frequently ‘on high alert’ to surroundings, being hyper-aware of the emotional states of others, being fearful of criticism, being a ‘people-pleaser’, or being avoidant of emotions or relationships are all symptoms of insecure attachment styles which create patterns of alertness within our nervous system. These attachment styles are embedded within our social/emotional brain, closely connected to our survival brain and nervous system, and are triggers of insecure attachment experiences from the past. When we come to acknowledge and understand how past relationships have shaped our behavior, we can have greater compassion for ourselves and patience to challenge and change old patterns.
Recognizing how past relationships ‘intrude’ on present relationships
Before we can build safe relationships, it is vital to recognize how past relationships have not only shaped our nervous system but also shaped the ‘dynamics’ of our present relationships, and even the people we are drawn to. An infant’s survival is dependent on their attachment to a powerful caregiver/adult. With insecure attachment, the caregiver is inattentive or insensitive to the child’s needs, the child necessarily learns to disown or disengage from their emotions and needs, because their survival is dependent on staying attached to the adult (keeping the adult close). Where emotions and needs are unacknowledged or are shamed, blamed, or punished, this leaves an after-math of unprocessed or ‘buried’ emotions within the child which become triggered or projected onto their present adult relationship experiences.
Our adult experiences provide us with a powerful tool, a ‘mirror’ to look at how our past relationships have shaped us (if we choose to look), by showing us what are our triggers, how we react emotionally and where our nervous system is ‘on high alert’ in the present. Our reactions are all reflections of learned patterns within our nervous system and buried emotions from the past. We use the ‘mirror’ when we recognize and acknowledge our own reactions, triggers, and emotions (focus internally) rather than only focusing on the ‘trigger’, on what the other person is doing/saying and/or blaming them for causing our emotional reaction and distress (an external focus).
Here, it is helpful to remember we all begin life with an ‘external’ focus, dependent on caregivers for our well-being and for teaching us to develop an ‘internal’ focus. With ‘good enough’ parenting, where needs were adequately met, where we were seen, soothed and secure, and we developed the skills to name and regulate our emotions, we develop self-awareness and a healthy self-identity. This allows us to become healthily interdependent with others, to be internally aware of and able to manage our needs and emotions while also having empathy to understand others’ emotions and the skill to apply boundaries to balance our needs with others, which creates healthy relationships.
It is a powerful tool for change when we choose to honestly reflect on our past, acknowledge how this has shaped us and take up the challenge to focus our energy on changing ourselves, rather than wanting others to change. We begin the journey of change by acknowledging our present state, whether it’s frequently anxious, fearful, or angry, frequently stressed or our emotions unmanageable. Acknowledging our present state and emotional reactions provides us with powerful opportunities to reflect on how our nervous system’s responses and our emotional patterns have been shaped within our early childhood relationships.
Here, is a very important note to self, if you have difficult childhood memories or no memories of childhood, if you are triggered reading this, if you struggle with self-harming practices or unsafe relationships, it is extremely important to reach out for help rather than blame yourself. To unpack a difficult past, it is vital to be in a supportive relationship where you experience compassion and the recognition that every person begins life as a vulnerable child, just wanting to be safe and connected; because of this truth, we develop protective/defensive nervous systems patterns in response to challenging/inadequate caregiving. This is our common human connection. To be able to recognize and own this truth can be difficult, however it offers us greater compassion and empathy for ourselves and toward others.
Humans are driven to want to understand the “why” of behaviors.
- We attribute motivation and intent and assign blame.
- We make a judgement about what someone did that leads to a belief about who they are.
- We evaluate [ourselves and] others by the way they engage with us.
“The autonomic nervous system doesn’t make a judgement about good and bad; it simply acts to manage risk and seek safety. [Appreciating] the protective intent of our autonomic responses begins to reduce the shame and self-blame … [we can] begin to understand these responses as courageous survival responses that can be held with compassion” (Dana, 2018, p. 6).
How we can heal our Nervous System responses
As we ‘tune inwardly’ and learn to recognize our body’s nervous system reactions, we can learn to employ a range of strategies that calm our body’s stress or threat reactions if we’re not in immediate danger. Neuroscience shows us that strategies activating and strengthening the prefrontal cortex and the PNS ‘put the brakes’ on the body’s stress reactions. “Something as simple as taking one or two deep, slow breaths when you’re under stress will immediately activate your PNS and help the SNS shut down” (Strosahl & Robinson, 2015, p. 21). Mindfulness techniques are well-researched tools that build ‘healthy’ brain connections and calm us. These include paying close, focused attention to our breathing, meditative practices, naming our emotions, observing physical sensations, and practicing shifting focus from internal states (thoughts, feelings, or memories) to external awareness (objects, people, smells, touch). Practicing these strategies gives us greater ability to activate our PNS, and the more practice, the more we build the brain circuitry that supports these skills (pp. 22, 23).
There are many resources for building skills to ‘regulate your nervous system’. Here are six ways to regulate different Nervous System states”:
- Stressed: practice psychological sighing: 2 quick inhales, 1 long exhale (repeat).
- Anxious: go for a walk (this deactivates your Amydala).
- Sad: Acknowledge your feelings and move your body (this releases Endorphins).
- Impulsive/angry/can’t think: Look out the window, dilate your gaze by not looking at anything specific (this blunts effects of adrenaline and enables cognitive thinking).
- Low motivation: Look at one spot on screen or in room, ignore all else for 1 minute.
- Feeling insecure/low self-worth: Write down your strengths (logical thinking overrides limbic responses).
Gaining awareness of what’s happening internally and learning skills that calm our stress response, we learn empowering self-regulation skills rather than blaming others for our feelings or responses. When we learn to calm our own stress response in relationship conflict, we take back our agency and control rather than feeling powerless, overwhelmed, or controlled by people around us.
To grow in self-awareness and agency within relationships, it is also important to identify and name the emotions that accompany our triggers into flight/flight mode. These emotions are usually fear or anger related and are driven by deeper feelings of threat to our well-being triggered by our early attachment relationships. When we attribute our emotional reaction to other people or the stressful situation, (e.g., “you make me so angry”) we are essentially giving away our power and allowing others to control us, which is a source of suffering for many. Knowing how to calm our stress response and creating space to name and own our emotions rather than immediately reacting to the situation allows us the opportunity to respond from a place of calm and as the adult we want to be, using the full resources of our rational adult mind. In situations where there is actual physical harm or there is history of emotional abuse or coercive control within relationships, it is vitally important to recognize the danger in this reality and get help to build resources that allow you take back the power that has been eroded from your life.
Building Safe Relationships
Our accumulated childhood experiences have profound implications for our physical and mental health and for understanding ourselves within relationship. When we operate from our vagal nervous system, we are open to learning and connecting with others, we can tolerate feelings of vulnerability that come with not knowing, we can meet new people with openness and curiosity, asking questions rather than defensively shutting down in response to differences and we can learn. Where there is a lack of physical and/or emotional safety within connection or with prolonged periods of isolation, we feel distress within our nervous system, which activates the fight/flight response and we become defensive and/or shutdown within relationship.
Our developmental years create the story we tell ourselves about our place in the world. We interpret our nervous system’s responses, and develop a belief system about ourselves, about others and about the world, believing our childhood conclusions, all from limited childhood perspectives. To reshape learned, defensive, and rigid patterns of relational disconnection and develop a new narrative of self-belief, neuroscience again gives us hope. Norman Doidge (2007) who brought the “neuroplastic” revolution to science wrote:
“The idea that the brain can change its own structure and function through thought and activity is, I believe, the most important alteration in our view of the brain since we first sketched out its basic anatomy and the workings of its basic component, the neuron”
Doidge highlighted the brain’s ability to change fixed thought patterns and produce more flexible thoughts and behaviors, however, this same ability also entrenches rigid behaviors when we use these repetitively—a phenomenon he called the “plastic paradox”. “Ironically, some of our most stubborn habits and disorders are products of our plasticity” (xx). This groundbreaking book gives us stories of hope of lives transformed through therapy.
In his work on the neuroscience of therapy, Cozolino (2010) highlighted that successful therapy and positive parenting have many parallels. The conditions that foster positive brain development in the home are the same conditions that create a ‘safe’ space and promote positive change in therapy (p. 29). These are conditions of nurturance, support, and non-judgement; here, stress hormone levels are decreased, allowing the brain to function optimally and fully integrate experiences from the past into the present. Cozolino further highlighted the specific conditions to: “emotional attunement, affect regulation, and the co-construction of narratives” (p. 31).
To unpack this language and create these safe conditions in the home and within therapy, it is firstly vital to be aware of our own nervous systems responses and have developed our own practices to maintain a state of personal calm. Only in a calm state are we truly ‘open’ to hearing clients or what children are saying. Next, is to be able to reflect or mirror back to children or clients what we hear them saying, acknowledging the emotional content, which offers an invitation to resonate with or ‘tune in’ to the emotion, this is called “emotional attunement”.
“Affect regulation” involves learning emotional regulation skills which in childhood and in therapy happens through “co-regulation”; the parent or therapist’s regulated, calm state provides the “mirror” which reflects and models self-regulation skills. This also happens when there is a safe space to identify, name, and acknowledge the powerful emotion in the presence of a supportive other, the parent/therapist’s presence during emotional distress supporting the child/client to tolerate different emotional states. This creates connections which say: “I see you, I see your distress and you are not what your distress says you are”. The safety of verbalizing pain and distress without judgement, in the presence of a caring ‘other’, offers an invitation to practice self-regulation skills. This state of connectedness also provides opportunities to explore negative self-beliefs, “the story I believed to be true about myself”, to challenge these self-beliefs and create a new truth in the present, a new narrative of self-belief. This is called “the co-construction of narratives”.
In summary, building safe relationships activate our ventral vagal complex, foster trust and vulnerability and are cultivated with consistent, supportive interactions, that include emotional attunement, developing self-regulation skills and narratives supporting positive self-belief. These relationships also provide space to practice effective communication skills, which includes active listening, emotional validation, stating and respecting personal boundaries and a dialogue to navigate individual needs. Finally, these relationships allow individuals to approach conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives, working together to find solutions that honor both parties while maintaining the sense of safety within the relationship. All these communication skills can be learned and practiced, strengthening relationship connections, and benefiting each other’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
Finally, in building safe relationships it is important to keep remembering experiences that connect us as humans are also creating positive brain connections. Creating such connectedness involves feeling safe and understood, there is empathy and respect for choices, which allows learning from the consequences of choices, and allows us to grow. Furthermore, a growth environment includes experiences that capture our interest, enthusiasm, motivation, and experiences that are fun also build positive brain connections. It is crucial we all play our parts well to create connecting communities across all ages because relationships matter.
Our relationships across our lifespan continue to shape our brains, our communities, and our collective well-being.
References:
- “The opposite of worry. The playful parenting approach to childhood anxieties and fears” Cohen, L.J., 2013
- “The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy” Cozolino Louis, 2010.
- “The polyvagal theory in therapy” Deb Dana, 2018.
- “The Brain that changes itself. Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science” Doidge, N., 2007
- “The boy who was raised as a dog” Perry, P.D. & Szalavitz, M., 2017
- “Parenting from the inside out. How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive” Siegel, D. J. & Hartzell, M., 2014.
- “In this moment. Five steps to transcending stress using mindfulness and neuroscience” Strosahl, K & Robinson, P., 2015.
